The Litmus Test for My Friend

By: Yoram Yahav

Friendship was real high on the value system when we were growing up. One for all, all for one, was the notion the youth movements inscribed on their flags, and the military advocated consistently. It was the era of post trauma with stories of the Holocaust and the memories of the ones who were not there to support anymore. If a friend was in need, you were there to help, whatever the cost or risk. If a woman was hassled by a lowlife, we would be all over the hustlers, and if a friend needed to be carried on our backs because his legs gave up, we were there giving it our all.

Image courtesy of chrisroll / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

My travels bring me to remote and sometimes strange and diverse cultures. I meet taxi drivers, secretaries, managers and some of the most influential people on earth. All of them have their own families, concerns and love stories. The common denominator I notice is the wish to be considered or cared for. God, or whatever or whoever you believe in, gave us a gift for many of these desires and it is called friendship. You can’t choose which family you are born into, but you can choose who your friends are. Well, I have many friends all over the world (at least on paper…) but few who are real, genuine friends.

I ask myself what “REAL” means. How does one measure a real friend and does the meaning vary from culture to culture? Are you “real” if you call once every two weeks and say hi? Are you “real” if you let your kids struggle because “it is good for them to toughen up” when all they really need is a sympathetic ear and some temporary financial relief? When you are asked about your well-being is it asked with deep care and concern or just as a form of politeness? How does one measure sincerity in friendships?

My parents lost many of their friends in the Holocaust and I lost several friends in the military service. All of them are vivid in our minds and hearts. Am I willing to be there for the friends who are alive and kicking with any request, call for help and/or support in times of distress? You bet I am but do my friends feel the same? In my opinion, the place one can truly face the sincere answer to such a question is in a time of need.

Though I manage a company which advocates the methodology of formulating our “Photograph from the Future,” I am definitely not a prophet, nor a mystical persona who can tell what’s coming. My intuition however, tells me that the environmental crisis we are facing, including the shortage of food and water already occurring in places around the globe, and our capacity to be there for the other, will come to test sooner than later. So here is my “litmus test”  for self questioning regarding friendship:

  1. Do you have a friend you can trust with your life anytime, anywhere?
  2. Have you ever tested this friend in a most severe, tough, time of trouble?
  3. Do you have a friend who disappointed you when you needed him/her the most?
  4. Will you leave everything (work, family, etc.) if your best friend calls you and says that he needs you urgently?

If the answer to all of the above is “YES”, than you are in excellent shape. If however you have some “NO” answers, I would suggest to go back to your heart of hearts and ask yourself who your genuine friends are.

Let me take it a bit further with my concluding remarks. I apologize in advance and hope that my words don’t offend anyone. My sixty-nine cent advice as it rings in my head is that if you have a friend who doesn’t make you feel good with yourself, end the friendship gracefully. You have complete right to be surrounded by people who make you feel good. The same goes for work. If you have the privilege to choose who you work with, then choose the people that make you feel good. If the love energy associated with real and true friendship is what you want to experience in your future, make sure that your starting point fits your needs and not vice versa.

Kabbalah and Buddhism speak about “giving” as a catalyst for receiving – if you don’t give, you don’t clear space to receive. Well, we have the choice to choose the ones we want to receive from. I love my friends and I am grateful to have them in my life.